


Great Eggspectations

by vanishing_time



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018) Actor RPF, Queen (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Breastfeeding, Eggs, Family Fluff, Hatchlings, M/M, No actual egg laying included, lol idk at least it's not through the tummy skin like with egg laying mammals, nothing explicit though, yes people reproduce by laying eggs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-17 00:40:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28591170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vanishing_time/pseuds/vanishing_time
Summary: In an alternate universe where humans reproduce by laying eggs, Joe and John are expecting their first hatchling. Eggs are quite fragile though, so better be careful!
Relationships: John Deacon/Joe Mazzello
Comments: 6
Kudos: 16





	Great Eggspectations

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Best Laid Plans](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25286548) by Anonymous. 



> My dear friend and I got this fun idea a while back and we built a complete universe around it.  
> Silly pun title for a silly fic!

"Joe, cover up the egg! People will see!"

Joe hugs the egg tighter against his chest, marveling at the smooth texture of the exposed part glistening in the sun, the leaves of the tree leaving dancing shadows on the shell.

It's a beautiful egg, silver base with golden, cloud-like patterns, almost like it’s carved from marble, shining like an opal in the light. And it is indeed a gem, Joe thinks, gently lifting the egg cover further up, revealing more of the shell.

"Joe, love! Don’t be indecent. No one wants to see other people's eggs in public!"

Joe looks up at John, who's glancing around a bit nervously, reaching for the cover, but the corners of his lips are curling up, and Joe grins too. John is just as proud of their egg as Joe is, but he's a bit old-fashioned and very shy about these things.

"Calm down, John, it's not like I’m breastfeeding in public, or whipping out my dick-"

"You better not!" John exclaims, rolling his eyes and gently smacking Joe in the bicep. 

Joe giggles and gestures him closer with his fingers, and John snuggles up to him, watching the sunlight reflecting on the egg.

They both sigh happily. 

It's so pretty.

Such a shiny, round egg, and it's theirs. They made it.

After admiring it for a while, Joe covers the egg with the soft cloth, letting John take it in his lap. It’s his turn to keep the egg warm, and Joe luxuriously stretches his limbs, leaning against the tree trunk. 

He looks around, watching the people hanging out with friends or families in the park, some of them relaxing on a blanket; and many other couples are there with eggs or tiny hatchlings, the excited chirping of the children mixing with the sound of the birds on the trees.

Joe smiles at John cradling their egg, rocking it in his arms, smoothing the egg cloth over it. John can't help but peek under the cover one more time as if wanting to see through the shell and check how fast their hatchling is growing. 

"We can take a look at him tonight again," Joe suggests, guessing John's thoughts, and John nods, leaning towards Joe and kissing him. John is just as excited about their first hatchling as him.

"I think we've been peeking at him with that lamp a bit too many times," John grins, patting the egg through the cloth. Joe knitted it in his first excitement when they learned that they are going to have a hatchling, to keep the egg warm and protect it from scratches and other minor injuries. "He needs to develop in the dark."

"Aww," Joe says, pouting. “Okay, you're right. If we had an ultrasound machine at home, I'd be looking at him all day..."

"I know what you feel," John says, leaning against Joe’s shoulder, softly rocking the egg. "I can't wait for him to hatch."

"I think it won't be long now," Joe says, caressing the egg with a finger, "he has been quite active recently, and I think I heard some scratching coming from the inside last night."

"Yes, he was throwing a little dance party in there," John chuckles, putting his hand on Joe's, and they both feel the egg wiggling a little. “That means there are only a few more days left!”

Joe sighs, swallowing back a dab of new parent panic. “I hope we have everything we need! The nest, the hand bandages, the claw powder… diapers...”

“Relax, love.” John rocks the egg in his arms. “Hatchlings look fragile but they are actually very tough and can handle a bit of imperfect parenting. He’ll be fine.”

“Easy for you to say, you have raised six hatchlings already…”

“And I didn't manage to kill any of them!” John squares his shoulders, looking very proud of his old and his new family. “And we won’t kill this one either.”

The egg bounces in John’s lap, and John reaches into their backpack, taking out a bottle of lavender oil and pouring some in his palm, reaching under the colorful cloth and gently rubbing the eggshell. It helps hatchlings relax when they get too nippy, and their son is very active now, probably hearing all the muffled sounds of the birds and chirping children in the park, wanting to join them. Joe and John have to be careful - they’ve heard about accidents of too active eggs that bounced out of their nest while the parents were asleep.

“It's so smooth, isn’t it?” Joe asks dreamily, watching his husband patting their egg, inhaling the lavender scent and the smell of flowers and summer. Their hatchling loves being petted through the shell, and he’s very sensitive to sounds - he likes pop music the most, especially Taylor Swift, much to John's annoyance and Joe’s delight.

“It is,” John grins, rubbing his hands together to get rid of the leftover oil, handing the egg over to Joe again. The egg has calmed down indeed, and now it’s resting in Joe’s lap, the little hatchling inside is maybe falling asleep. Joe still can't believe how pretty their egg is - the color is a mixture of the colors of both of their eggs: John’s silver and Joe’s gold, and they can't wait to see how their hatchling will look like.

John puts his ear on the egg, listening to the soft swirling sounds, and suddenly he smiles widely, gesturing Joe closer. Joe holds his breath and leans down as much as he can to listen to the egg, and he can hear a very, very faint chirp coming from the inside.

“He’s talking!” he mouths towards John, who has his hands over his lips with his eyes glistening. It isn't long now until the egg hatches, and Joe mentally goes through all the things the hatchling will need in the first few days.

Joe cuddles their egg, gently rocking it, completely in love with it. He grins, proud of John for doing the laying. Luckily, fertilized eggs are only slightly bigger than regular eggs that people lay every day - they do the expanding mostly outside of the body together as the hatchling grows. Imagine laying a hatching-sized egg! Joe grimaces at the thought, shaking his head. Ouch. He looks up to see John watching him questioningly, and he shrugs.

“Joe, I was wondering,” John says, dreamingly caressing the egg in Joe’s lap. The bigger hatchlings’ chirping in the park is mixing with the first awkward words as they are trying to talk, and it’s so cute that Joe thinks he's going to melt. “Want to try those egg pods we talked about? I heard they are very relaxing, and there’s a family-sized egg pod too. Maybe we can try them for an hour or two…”

“Awesome idea, let’s do it,” Joe agrees, thinking about the egg pods. Great inventions. They simulate the feeling of being inside of an egg: fuzzy blankets and pillows; very faint, soft light; gentle rocking and quiet noises that resemble the parents’ voices coming from outside. “Gwil and Rami had tried it, and they said they had never felt so connected to each other before.”

“I think if you and I got any more connected, we’d be conjoined,” John jokes, pulling Joe close into a deep kiss, and Joe melts into it. John is such a lovely hatchling daddy, and he’s glad that he gets to raise a child with him.

There’s another faint chirp coming from the egg again, and Joe chuckles, trying to chirp back, but his voice is too deep. “You should try it instead, handsome,” he says, and John clears his throat. His voice is a bit thinner than Joe’s, so it might work.

“Chirp?”

The egg chirps back, and they both laugh.

It's a beautiful day, but it’s time to go soon. Joe’s getting hungry, and he wants to try the egg pod before their son hatches.

“C’mon, papa, let’s go home and then get in touch with our inner hatchlings!”

“Sure thing" John stands up, reaching for the egg to put it in the kangaroo, and Joe hands it to him.

It’s all so sudden. 

There’s a flash of silver and gold, and the egg lands on the blanket with an awful crack, and Joe stands there, horrified, the empty egg cover hanging in his hands-

_ Oh my god. Oh my god. _

“Jesus Christ,” John rasps, crouching down to the egg, hovering his hand over it but not daring to touch it.

Joe gapes for air in shock, petrified for a few seconds, and people are gathering around them, looking worried and curious, and John’s chanting “no no no no," crying over the egg, and Joe snaps out of the trance, fidgeting for his phone to call an ambulance or-

“There’s an egg doctor in the park.” He feels someone touching his shoulder, and he turns, seeing a blond guy with a kind face and high cheekbones, gesturing "c'mon", and there’s a woman covering their egg with her jacket to keep it warm and hidden, and someone is talking to John, so John will be fine for now, and Joe runs after the blond guy to the entrance to get the egg doctor.

But the doctor is already running toward them - someone probably already called her - and she’s kneeling down to the egg, carefully observing it while John throws himself into Joe’s arms, his whole body trembling.

“It slipped, it slipped from my hand,” he whispers, but Joe shakes his head. It’s nobody’s fault, he thinks, but his lips are bleeding as he bites them, watching the doctor taking out a stethoscope, listening to the hatchling.

_ Please be alive, please be alive… _

The egg doctor looks up at them, smiling, and Joe can suddenly breathe again.

“The hatchling’s fine,” the doctor says, carefully rolling over the egg, revealing a crack and a dent in the shell. She takes out a portable ultrasound machine and observes the egg some more. “It’s still breathing, the yolk sac is intact and the amniotic fluids haven’t broken. All it needs is a cast and some rest. The little one is tough, but it might be a bit scared.”

John lets out an almost hysterical giggle in Joe’s arms, and Joe kisses his head, the people around them whispering relievedly, slowly leaving.

The hatchling is safe, thank god.

Joe says thanks to the blond guy who briefly squeezes Joe’s shoulder. “They really can handle a lot,” he says, smiling encouragingly before joining his wife.

Joe and John are holding onto each other, watching as the doctor plasters some cast on the egg. The pattern won’t be visible on that side, but Joe doesn’t mind at all - the most important thing is the hatchling's safety. Most of the egg is intact, and they still will be able to save a piece of shell and make it into a pendant to give as a gift when the hatchling turns eighteen. Weird British egg traditions, Joe thinks, remembering John’s pendant that he showed him once.

It only takes a few minutes of work, and the doctor softly hums to the egg to calm it down, and when she’s ready, the egg wiggles once, and the doctor chuckles.

“All done, nice and secure,” she says. “Do you want to see him?”

She holds the ultrasound machine to the egg, and Joe and John crouch down. 

“There he is, there’s the little one,” John whispers, lifting his hand to the screen to caress the picture of the hatchling.

“Look at the tiny feet!” Joe almost squeals.

“Only a few more days now until the hatch,” the doctor smiles at them, letting them stare at the child for a few more seconds before putting away her equipment, and Joe resists the urge to pull her into a bear embrace as a thank you, and instead he holds out his hand with a  _ thank you. _ “Just keep the egg motionless and warm for one more hour, and then you can go home. Beautiful egg by the way,” she adds, shaking Joe's hand, smiling at John who pulls her into a hug, and she blushes a bit. She gives them a prescription of a bottle of soothing egg drops with extra calcium before waving goodbye.

Joe and John sit around their egg, waiting for the cast to harden, not daring to pet it yet, just covering it with the blanket to keep it warm. 

“I’ve never felt so scared in my life,” Joe says, still trembling.

“Me neither.” John wipes his eyes. “I remember accidentally dropping Michael once when he was still in his egg, but that was above the bed, and thank god, nothing happened. They can be so slippery…”

“Especially when oiled up.” Joe wipes the sweat off his forehead. His heart is still beating violently. “Next time let’s wait until the oil is completely absorbed before doing anything…”

John reaches up to caress Joe’s face, kissing his hand, and Joe starts to feel a bit calmer now. 

“Let’s visit the egg pod tomorrow!" John suggests. "I think all three of us need to relax after this accident.”

Joe nods, thinking about the egg pod and how fun it will be. Rami told him that it can be a surprising, almost spiritual experience. Joe casts a cheeky grin at John who raises an eyebrow, but Joe just giggles. He’s looking forward to the adventure.

“And here’s the family pod.” 

The assistant has 'Alan' written on his badge, and he pats the top of the egg-shaped machine. 

“This one is very popular among parents, eggs, and hatchlings as well. It’s similar to a sensory deprivation tank, except here the senses are not canceled out completely. It puts you into a relaxed state, occasionally making you regress into infant or even fetus age.”

Alan looks very proud of the pod as if he invented it himself, and John thoroughly observes the machine with his electrical engineering eyes, but Joe can’t wait to get into it. Their egg, strapped tightly onto his chest, wiggles a bit as if the hatchling was excited to get in there too, and Joe gently pats the part that’s not covered with the cast.

Alan presses a button on the wall, and the pod opens.

“Two people and two hatchlings can comfortably fit in here, though we have a bigger pod for more prolific parents and their children,” the assistant chuckles. Joe winks at John cheekily, and John rolls his eyes, but he grins too.

The egg pod looks very comfortable, padded with fresh, fluffy blankets and pillows, lit by dim fairy lights, calming music coming from invisible speakers.

“There’s an emergency button here,” Alan points at the tip of the pod, “press it twice in case you feel claustrophobic or anything. The pod immediately opens and I’ll be here to help.”

John and Joe both nod, and Alan steps aside so John can climb in. Joe - very carefully - hands the egg to John, who places it into the middle of the pod into a soft, nest-like hollow, especially made for eggs or infants. Joe climbs in the pod too where John has already settled comfortably, grinning at Joe invitingly and patting the blanket. Joe lays down and gives Alan a thumbs-up, who nods.

“Enjoy your time!”

The pod closes, the lights dim to warm orange, and Joe settles down on his side, facing John with their egg between their chests. The music is very vague - it has a melody but Joe can’t grasp any definite rhythm, it just rumbles, bringing up faint childhood memories... The pod starts rocking lightly, and Joe giggles at John, and John giggles back. They twine their fingers together above their heads, their other hands resting on the egg.

Time seems to be slowing down in the pod indeed. John looks beautiful in the warm light, and Joe feels like they can communicate without words, only with touches and smiles, or even thoughts. He blinks a few times, leaning close to John and kissing him, and John cuddles against him as much as he can without squishing the egg. 

“I feel so connected to you now,” John whispers, absently petting the egg and Joe’s hand with his fingertips, and Joe nods.

“And I to you. It's so calm,” he murmurs, and to his surprise, he’s already drifting into sleep. He was curious about how it would feel like being in a pod, and whether it was familiar and brought up pre-hatch memories - but he wouldn’t mind a good night's sleep either. The egg has been very active at night despite almost being cracked open the other day, but Joe is relieved that their son is healthy. He smiles as he drifts off, listening to John’s unconscious chirping who has already fallen asleep, and he chuckles into a yawn, feeling the egg and John’s hand under his palm.

His sleep is not that deep, and he listens to the music that slowly blends into his parents' voice, murmuring something from the outside, something that he can't understand but what makes him feel safe and calm, and the inside of the egg is soft and comfortable. His parents are talking to him and petting him through the shell, and he pulls his knees to his chest as much as he can, feeling loved as his egg softly rocks in his parents’ arms.

But soon he feels different then, there’s a surge of adventurousness, the lights and space and sounds inside of his egg are not enough anymore, it’s becoming too tight, and he starts fidgeting around a little, he wants to get out of his cradle into the different reality outside that's wilder and more exciting, waiting for him, welcoming him. 

He starts scratching the shell, trying to get out, and the shell cracks slowly, and he feels happy to discover the new world, and he scratches until the shell opens and the scent of the outer world pours inside…

His eyes flick open as he comes out of the dream, and the scratching noises are still echoing in his head, he still feels the hardness of the shell under his claws for a second, but then he blinks, rubbing his eyes with clawless hands.

Their silver-gold egg is wiggling violently in the nest, already slipped halfway out of the egg cloth, and the scratching is real and the chirping is getting louder, and Joe is frozen for a second because  _ it’s happening… _

“John!” he whispers tensely, but John is still curled into an egg shape, chirping softly in his meditative state, and Joe finds it adorable and would watch it for hours, he’d even record it with his phone if their hatchling wasn't just about to hatch!

“John!“ He says again, poking John while carefully holding the egg in place with a hand, watching the top of the shell cracking and breaking into small pieces, listening to the chirping coming from the inside.

"John, wake up, you big hatchling!” Joe shakes his husband with a hand, until John jerks awake with a snort.

“Wha-- what?”

“Our baby is coming!” Joe would bounce around if there was enough space, but instead, he stays still, holding the egg with shaking hands. Their son has found the best, quietest, warmest place and time to hatch, and John stares at the egg wide-eyed, leaning close to it to observe the process.

They both hold the egg still, and there are flashes of movements under the eggshell, there’s faint, indignant chirping as if the hatchling was frustrated that his parents don't help him; and a piece of shell is lifting up, and a tiny hand with sharp claws pokes out of it, and the chirping stops as the hatchling breaks off another shell piece, making the hole bigger.

“Should we help him?” Joe asks tensely, rubbing his temple and tugging on his hair (he must be looking like Munch’s  _ Scream), _ but John shakes his head, not taking his eyes off the egg.

“No, he has to get out on his own, it releases hormones that help him build the immune system,” he whispers. “We should only help him if he’s stuck…”

The hole in the shell is widening, and two small hands are hanging out, the fingers ending in claws that developed for breaking the egg - Joe is amazed by how sharp they look in contrast to the soft baby flesh. He swallows excitedly and covers his mouth in front of a scream as the hatchling’s head is finally poking out, and Joe sees his face for the first time, and he can't help but giggle through his tears because their son looks very disheveled and a bit grumpy, furrowing his brows, and John sniffs, "you did it, you hatched," he murmurs as he's peeling off the rest of the shell, taking out the baby.

Joe blinks the tears from his eyes so he can properly see their son who almost disappears in John's big hands. The hatchling is covered in downy, feather-like fluff that will fall out eventually, his chest is heaving like a little bird's, and he’s looking around a bit confused, but John holds him to his chest, showing him to Joe, and Joe sniffs, wiping his eyes and cupping their son's tiny head.

“Look at him, he did it, look how strong and perfect he is,” John whispers, his voice trembling, taking out his handkerchief to carefully wipe the hatchling’s face clean.

Joe cuddles his family, petting the hatchling’s tiny tummy with a finger, and the little boy chirps and looks into Joe's eyes, and Joe falls for him immediately, for his beautiful boy who’s going to grow so strong and will do amazing things...

He’s dragged out of his trance by the scratch of sharp infant claws on his hand. 

“Ow!” He cries out, and the hatchling winces at the sound, looking at him surprised. He’s so adorable, and Joe giggles. "Is that the way to greet your dad?" he asks, and the hatchling squeaks, a very sharp, elongated sound, lifting his head and opening his mouth like a baby bird.

“I think he’s hungry,” John grins, handing the little boy to Joe so he can open his shirt, and Joe flushes. 

Oh, yeah. John laid the egg, so he’s the one to do the feeding. He rocks the hatchling carefully, noting how feather-light he is in his hands, feeling the downy fluff and the warm skin, smelling the baby scent. He suddenly feels another flush of love for him and he hugs him tightly, listening to the tiny heartbeat. So tough and yet so fragile… He smacks a loud kiss on the fluffy head.

“Shouldn't we give him some bugs? He looks like a nestling with his mouth open,” he jokes, but John keeps grinning, shaking his head, reaching for the baby and cradling him against his chest.

“Ever breastfed a hatchling?” Joe pops his chin on John’s shoulder, happy that there's only the three of them there. It could have happened in worse places - an egg pod is the most discreet and calmest place in the world for the freshly hatched.

“No,” John says, turning a bit red, “but I’ve seen Ronnie do it quite a few times.” He fidgets with the squealing hatchling a bit awkwardly, trying to find the right angle between his nipple and the baby’s mouth, but the hatchling knows the way. He starts eating contentedly, squelching in satisfaction, and John giggles. “It tickles,” he says, and Joe looks at the two of them with heart eyes.

"Look what we made," Joe grins, watching as the hatchling closes his eyes, enjoying the food, the chirps in the back of his throat getting less desperate.

"Our genes are indeed mixed perfectly," John whispers, patting the hatchling's head with a finger, slowly rocking him until he stops eating. 

Joe kisses John, enjoying the calmness for a little bit more, but then the hatchling yawns, curling into an egg shape, and Joe’s muscles begin to ache from sitting too long, and as much as he doesn't want to get out of the comfortable and still gently rocking pod, the hatchling needs to be cleaned and put in the nest to sleep. And, he thinks, he needs to send some photos to the family as soon as possible!

He takes their son into his hands so John can button his shirt. Joe playfully waves to the hatchling, watching him follow his hand with his eyes, and Joe grins, kissing his forehead.

“Do you think they will be upset that we, um, made a mess?” John asks when he’s dressed, pressing the emergency button, and Joe looks around, seeing the remnants of the egg. With a sudden idea, he breaks down a relatively dry piece and puts it away. He almost forgot the traditional British present that their hatchling will receive when he turns into an adult.

“I hope not, I don't want to be expelled--”

The egg pod opens slowly, and Alan stands there, looking worried, his eyes widening at the sight of the hatchling, and Joe feels a bit embarrassed, smiling at him apologetically.

“We, um… didn’t know that he was planning to hatch now,” he says as they climb out, but a big smile is spreading on Alan’s face, and Joe knows from it that it’s all right.

“Oh, don’t worry, we've seen this happen many times!" Alan exclaims, coming closer to observe the sleepily chirping hatchling. “Children like to hatch when their parents are the most relaxed. Isn’t he cute!” 

Alan is cooing over the baby, and the other workers gather around them now as well to congratulate, and Joe is awfully proud, and John looks two inches taller too.

"Uhm... about the-- leftover egg--" Joe manages to ask with the smaller, sober part of his brain that's not mesmerized by fresh parenthood. These people are so nice and they leave them a mess...

"No worries, we'll take care of it soon." Alan turns around and comes back with a paper bag, handing it to John. “Here you go! A gift from our company, a starter pack with some essentials: diapers, some formula, claw powder, hand bandage, and a hatchling sack. Also, he can visit the egg pod for free for the rest of his life!”

Alan is beaming like he was the father, reaching out his hand for handshakes, and points to a quiet corner where they can take care of the freshly hatched, so they don't have to wait until they get home.

Joe is happy to learn from John, who shows him how to clean the baby, how to powder his hands and carefully bandage them until the claws fall off a few days later. John is so talented, Joe thinks, a natural born father. The hatchling doesn’t like the hand bandages and he squeals complainingly, but then he’s put in a tiny diaper and a little hatchling sack that leaves his head free, simulating the feeling of being inside the egg, and he calms down fast, and the parents smile down at him.

"Do you like it, teeny one?"

"Chirp!"

John and Joe both giggle, watching him just looking around with his big hatchling eyes, chirping quietly in John's lap. 

"He talks a lot!"

"Like father, like son," John says, gently tickling the round baby tummy.

Joe's pride takes over and he can't help himself, he snaps a picture of John and the hatchling - they need to decide on the name soon, he thinks - with his phone and sends it to Rami and his mom and a few other people, resisting the urge to post the photo to Insta for the whole world to see. He'll only make an announcement, maybe take a picture of the hatchling's tiny feet or the nest at home... 

"Making a star out of him already?"

John grins with their son wiggling happily in the sack in his arms, and Joe smacks a loud kiss on the baby’s chubby cheek.

"Don't I get a kiss too?" John asks, making big puppy eyes.

“Aw, seems like I have two hatchlings, a big one and a small one!" Joe kisses John’s face as well, and the baby chirps, apparently finding the sound funny. 

Joe puts his arm around John’s shoulders as his husband starts humming a traditional British lullaby that they used to sing to their egg - a song about how safe and warm the inside of an egg is, and how it helps the hatchlings grow to be with their family soon; and Joe joins him, the choir of their voices rumbling deeply.

The hatchling yawns and closes his eyes, falling asleep to the lullaby, and Joe's heart goes even softer for him. Breaking up an egg from the inside is a hard task, and he deserves some rest… Joe smiles and pets his head, unable to take his eyes off him. 

They are a family now, and he's so excited to raise him with John.

**Author's Note:**

> Trying to get back into writing before I continue my WIPs, but life has been constantly dragging my ass in the past months, so... 😅


End file.
